Thanks Joe!

Stole this off of a "Christian" from our town. I am so glad that he did his ridiculous blog or I would not have record of the most tasty and delicious meals my family had all that winter. I personally don't get why any one would get "grossed" out but I get it... They get their meat at Krogers. Have no idea of all the hormones, flavorings, pesticides, preservatives they are eating. I love that the picture was taken and stored for me to enjoy once again! 

Brothers Darin, left, and Chad Pantle dress out an eight-point buck along Jefferson Street Monday. Chad, who took the buck with his muzzleloader Thanksgiving Day, plans to have the head mounted.

Septemberish

You often forget what you are getting into until you remember the last time you were there, or that just seems to be my problem. I allow my self to push memories out of my mind until damn bamm there it is again... I hate that feeling. My husband usually has a good enough memory that I don't get stuck in that but this time he let me forget. Or I forgot to say but regardless I know what I am talking about.... I think most of it is that I have allowed myslef to stop sharing with him cause all he does is over react. Not his fault, oh yes it is... Wild crazy family! Can't forget where you come from.
It isn't 6 am yet and I have gotten more done this morning that I have done the entire week. I made some muffins for the kids for breakfast. Made coffee, cleaned up the dishes and had time to get in about 3 cups of coffee and it takes really good. I probably will crash at 10 but I am living for the moment. Today is my day off.... Yeah... but really I get irritated that I am the only one who has to get up to go to work sometimes. I know that I shouldn't judge but Jeez... already... full grown adults... grrr. Probably should get off of this point mostly cause it is just irritating me.
I am looking forward to some time this weekend with the hubby and the Chloe. Going to run away and have a fantastic time whether anyone wants to or not.
Chris is on a good mood this week, the med change has been so scary. I try not to get upset but I thought I was gonna have to institutionalize him. Completely flipped his lid coming off of the adderal and switching him to the Intuituv.  His mood has improved this week... Just hope he can try to continue to contain himself. But really I know the medicine is a temporary fix. I know that he must grow and learn to control himself and really let the Nathan out of him.  But regarless of anything I love his heart, it really is sweet and I love him more than life.  He does try sometimes and I really am the only one that gets it that he can't control it all the time. He is still little even though his body is little so is his emotions. He will grow into them I just hope I have showed him that it is not ok to be angry and love is more powerful..

Sunday

As I am not fully awake today, I feel irritated. ALL the children have been gone for the weekend. And what a waste it was. I didn't get anything accomplished but watching TV surfing the web and about an hour of fishing. I have learned something though. We are not the same as we were 10 years ago. It saddens me! We would of taken advantage of the weekend like no other. But here we are going to bed before 10 getting up at sunrise. Loosing the little bit of passion in life we had. It makes me angry when I try to do something special and I get no response. Just so involved in the TV, my words can't be heard! I don't want to be a pity party and I want to figure out how to get out of this mess. I got here and I don't really know how I did but here it is and I am lost. My heart is telling me to hang on but how? Lots of thoughts, Maybe I will pray about it!

Epiphany-Staind

The Weight loss challenge

My husband has decided to stress himself to loose weight, In the beginning I didn't mind he had packed on a few... More like 50 but I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. Let him be in control of his own body. I didn't want to say Hey fat ass you are going to die! Even though I could sometime. I guess I just have never had someone that really gets me frustrated as much as him! GRRR.... Well he has lost 14 lbs. I have lost 16! Not by changing what we are doing, but by moving around more! We had became slow lazy sloths. I think it was from all the weight gain. I am very proud of him but I know he will gain it back if he doesn't try harder in the winter. He loves the turkey dressing broccoli casserole and such. He just can't get enough of the holiday goodies that he founders!
On another note, I read my friends blog again. And yes it was heavy! I think we all need to look back and grab that heaviness and get ahold of it before one day when you are not looking and it slaps you in the face. I guess that really doesn't make much sense to anyone but me but that is how it is.
I am enjoying my sisters visit. I forget about who I am till I get really good doses of her! I am very proud of her, She is trying so hard to be good and watch her diabetes. I love her and it just about kills me to watch her killing herself daily or hearing about it daily! She seems to take some of the stress away but I don't want her taking it on. No need for that. I am a natural worrier. I worry for everyone and anything. I hate it if everything is not going my way I suppose.
The stinkin hot weather is starting to have lasting effects on my brain as I thought today was Wednesday... If the kids can behave I am thinking about taking them to the pool and letting them cool off in the wonderful clear water... I hate the lake!

Puppies, Butterflies and (what ever you wanna insert)

The thoughts of the day include:
None! I have been having random thoughts and none really make sense! Sounds like me really just really unexplainable for a Saturday. That is when I do my best thinking.
A friend from school writes a blog and I try to follow but after reading,  really I do now believe we have absolutely nothing in common. I find it hard to imagine having seven kids, let alone being pregnant all those times. I am way to selfish and get irritated when I have to equal out "MY" time with the children. Which I do! I love my children just glad I didn't add anymore to the herd and I don't really like any other children except for my own. I get irritated by others parenting style and obsessed with others who don't watch their children to a "t"! Perfect example, Went to my nieces wedding and it was set at a beautiful lake with lots of trees and nature. Perfect place to get married, except for the guests that she invited that just let their children run unsupervised. One child was 2 or 3 and the mother keep saying "oh I think he is with so and so" No idea where the child was at! just let it run, While I am sure the child had a great day exploring, I was a nervous wreak! I found myself watching this child from afar even though I had left my children with grandma and ex for a reason (to enjoy myself) and not to worry about my children's every move. I'm a freak, I can't help it! When it comes to my children I am obsessed. I know I have OCD and it is more noticeable when I have my children around. My Christopher tells me that he never gets to do anything fun because he knows his mother is worrying about him! Imagine that! They think I am a good time killer. Which I am . I just wish I could of gotten the carefree gene, but where would my children be this day? Whose to say there dumb ass dads wouldn't of dropped them on their heads when they were babies? I feel love and admiration for people with seven kids, I do.
 On another note:  I am not a democrat. I do not believe in "the right to choose" I don't believe in  "a woman choice" Not gonna work on me! If you don't want a kids, Don't have sex or better yet take the pill! All these beautiful babies being thrown away or killed by idiots. I cry almost everyday I read about some horrible tragic death by parents. I stopped reading the stories in the newspaper.
So I got completely off track! Imagine that!
So really it is fun to read her post and love the insight, just I know I would never be woman enough for such love. Scary thought but also very scary for me knowing that is how I see myself... Selfish!
Well school has started and well it has been rough already. Chloe stayed home on Friday with the flu. Yucky! She was up all night the night before vomiting and busy getting the rest of us nauseous. Just from looking by the way! The kids were all a little scared. Christopher mostly. Scared of high school, scared of growing up. Scared really to leave the safety net of his mother. I have done that maybe, but I know that he will find his way and love high school! Haley said her day was AWESOME! Don't know why, she never really did go into much except she loves band and really enjoyed meeting new people! Imagine that! And my precious Chloe started Kindergarten! God I do officially feel old! There was people there video taping their children entering the school building and taking interviews with the teachers! What a bunch of nut cases. I was just glad that nobody was really hurt in that experiment.Well it is off to bed for me tonight. I am exhausted and it's been a really long day!

Happy Birthday to Meeee!!!

Reflecting tonight, sometimes I don't know why but sometimes I just get in the mood, Maybe it is my birthday tomorrow but maybe it is just my feelings and how I feel today. I often think just not out loud or even on paper. I spend most of my time with myself as my husband is addicted to anything but me. It used to bother me and now I have found people and things to fill the time and void that I often feel, but really that isn't what I was thinking about first so lets start there....
Remember when you were 18 young and completely dumb, Really I think I did think I knew everything and everything would always work out. I don't believe that now. Now I know it is up to me to make sure that it works out and it has been a hard long road of learning and loving and failures and things I have completely gotten wrong....But sometimes it was fun and then sometimes it was just plain ridiculous that I would even think that would work.... Starting with my first marriage. I loved him he loved me but we were completely toxic to one another. Completely TOXIC. Some thing about us now, still toxic just smaller doses of one another and we can manage that. I think it is because I was raised by a strong willed mother and he thinks he should always be right...Still thinks that to this day... Always made me feel inferior...and well my parents put me up on a pedestal and made me think I was the queen...
I remember 18 just like it was yesterday screwing around missing school or really skipping school with my friends and playing just like I wanted. I miss those days and I miss those friends. Somewhere along the way I lost them and lost really who I was as a person. Funny thing, I don't think I resemble that girl one bit, and I am OK with that. I struggle wondering if I made the right choice but I love my babies and I wouldn't change it for anything. I am OK with me and that is what really is important. Learning to improve and improving through learning. That is my goal. Not to be the most important person I know or making the most money. Just making me the best and having fun along the way. I don't want a high pressure job anymore. I wanna fish, camp or just go on a walk and just smile.
Having babies at such a young age finding someone who will love you and really let you be you, All learning experiences! I had man friends here and there and always such a magnet to such creepy assholes that really were just in between and thought I might just be good idea I don't know, I hate to think of myself as such a person. And then there is my Chad... Good time Charlie. He says he wasn't looking for a wife or anything of the such but boy o boy he sure has stuck around alot longer than the rest. I know he's funny and loves to see me laugh. That is my biggest attraction to him and keeps us happy. But he is driving me crazy with the video games. Gets home... First thing is to see who is online to play, then gets himself ready for a night of screaming and yelling and playing with his friends while the children and I sit in the bedroom or at the computer to fill our time. There is no family time unless we "all go fishing" we hate to tell ya Charlie but the children hate fishing and I am hating him for that  being the only activity there is for us to do as a family. He has become self centered and I need to find a way to remove that from our life because the rest of us are suffering. Well enough crapping on everyone but here we are at Who you'd be today

IT JUST ISN'T FAIR SOMETIMES!

THINGS THAT HAPPEN, HAPPEN FOR A REASON!

The Weddin

After a long weekend, it has finally come to a close. I love my family but boy o boy I am tired. My sister Paula and her new love Michael stayed with us. It was a great visit actually and the kids made everyone crazy. Chad of course loved the fishing he was allowed to do all weekend and made us miserable with the smell of fish. Even though Chad did get outfished he really enjoyed Mikes company. He didn't talk much and drive him crazy, which anyone that knows Chad, knows he is not a big fan of talking while fishing unless they are reeling them in!

This visit just made me realize more and more how much I really miss my sister, It is funny how relaxing it is just to spend a day with someone and have them love you as exactly as you are. Know your quirks and laughs at you when you fall in the water or run around all day in high heals and trip continuously! Now that is funny shit.
I did however spend the day with the rest of my family, I figured I needed to avert my attention other ways since I was a balling baby after my my sister left and it left me in a tad bit of depression. My brother and his wife and family were at my sisters Patty house spending the day so we sat out side shitting the bull and watching the kids play in the yard. It was a great visit, amazingly funny stories come out of my brothers mouth when he has been drinking and he sure did have stories to tell.
The greatest part of the weekend is the new addition, She is a mix, Westie-Schnauzer...She is currently curled up loving up on her dad, It is amazing how attached Chad gets to animals! We haven't named her just yet... can't decide for certain. But for now she is going by Mufasa and CatDog! Chloe thinks she is her dog and her dad is agreeing! We will see!

The June sunshine and all the darn mosquitoes.

As much as I love to say, I have enjoyed the last two weeks. The kids not as much but they will get over it. I have been forced by Chad to go fishing more than I would want but the great thing is... I have actually caught fish and have been loving it. We spent Monday afternoon at Mississenewa Reservoir. It is such a fast moving place and it is extremely scary for me to look after the kids but I ended up relaxing for a few and getting a couple of fish brought to shore.
Last weekend,  we ended up fishing here in town. I hate fishing over at the hospital pond but that is his favorite place and after the tantrum he threw I said screw it and lets go and get ate up by the crazy mosquitoes. The crazy creatures are out in full force this year. I haven't been bite like that for years. I hate scratching. I almost hate it as much as throwing up! And I don't throw up unless it is absolutely necessary. I will hold it in! Enough with the vomit. So I kicked his butt and ended up catching a rainbow trout and some great big blue gill. Not my favorite fish to catch, but they are OK. Chloe was so excited she keep petting the fish even after their inevitable death!

So summer school is starting to piss me off. Chris hates getting up in the morning. It is literally like pulling teeth. He screams, kicks, cusses and just gets down right dirty until I get him down the road and off to school. It upsets Chad how Chris treats me in the morning, but me not being a morning person understand. I hate getting up and if I could I would kick and cuss and get down right nasty every morning. But they don't understand the philosophy. I hate that school starts at 8 am even in the summer. Isn't that the time we are supposed to be sleeping in? But no... Chris hates me for it! But I still love him! 

Haley is starting a new adventure and learning to play an instrument in the school band. She wants to play the flute and then the next minute it is the clarinet. oh wait lets just see what mom doesn't have and I will choose that one! Good luck Haley. Your dads are cheap and they already bought you one and that is the one that will forever be yours!

This weekend will prove to be exciting. Chloe will be in the parade for the round barn festival. She was one of the top readers and gets to be one of four children from her school. We love the festival and the parade. The kids love the candy, I love seeing all the people. Rochester really puts on a good show, too bad the rest of the time the crazys are running loose.

Well I hope that everyone learns something new this week, whether it be good or bad!

Birthday wishes

My little Chloe turned 5 last week. I think we celebrated the whole damn week. 3 or 4 parties later we have survived. The outlaws and the in laws all were in attendance which in itself is a small miracle. It was wonderful weather and we all had a great time. The kids and their dad came and they decided to act like 3 and 4 years olds, so they didn't get to stay as long as they wanted. I am ready just to relax now. The reason for all the parties? Every year we end up jipping Chloe of a real birthday party because some one has a party to attend. Her birthday is always around Memorial day and she always gets the raw end of the deal. But NO MORE! We (Chad and I) have decided she is our baby, we will do for her and if no one likes it, there will be a party anyway with just the 3 of us.
With the weekend coming to a close. It has been tiring and we are exhausted. We are not used to staying up all night and acting like teenagers. But we did and we survived. If we could do it three nights in a row? No way!! We know we are old and we enjoy the comfort of our own bed.
We did however enjoy a wonderful weekend of fishing. We had great company as my brother in law and sister in law (Darrin and Rene) came down and we headed to Mississenewa. It was a good time. The fish were biting like crazy but Darrin and I didn't catch shit, while Chad and Rene decided they just couldn't get enough! Grrrr. Darrin and I have made a plan to sabotage the next fishing trip, so that we may get a chance!
I miss having fun with my older kids, but they are in a stage where fighting is the game. Their dad has made it his priority this weekend so I don't have to worry... Poor him. Don't you just love the teenage years. And no I wasn't that bad!
Happy Memorial Day!

A sweet suprise

As I start this I wanted to do this just so I can remember and have sweet memories.

Today was a sweet day, I saw my best friend today. It had been so long since I have felt so much love and acceptance and time hadn't changed a thing. I cried as she left. Knowing it will be forever before I get to see her again and I know I never get around to doing anything but what everyone else wants... all the time. Or maybe I cried because I remembered what it felt like to be really loved, not judged and certainly alive. How is it that I can forget and just let life pass by. Well I am tired of that.

Tomorrow is Chloe's birthday, While she wants 2 parties we are only having 1 small and 1 large. Doesn't make sense but hey she is only 5 and time flies and only get to celebrate just once a year.

The family and I went fishing tonight, It was alright. I didn't catch anything again and I thinking of just quitting for the year. I am down in count horribly and it bothers me but I think Chad has hexed me or something like that. He still thinks carp is sport fishing. I hate fishing shows for putting that crap in his head. It really isn't any sport, all you really do is waste your time. I am in for more REAL fish like bass, crappie and even catfish. Forget the carp and dogfish~!

I miss being me.