Reflecting tonight, sometimes I don't know why but sometimes I just get in the mood, Maybe it is my birthday tomorrow but maybe it is just my feelings and how I feel today. I often think just not out loud or even on paper. I spend most of my time with myself as my husband is addicted to anything but me. It used to bother me and now I have found people and things to fill the time and void that I often feel, but really that isn't what I was thinking about first so lets start there....
Remember when you were 18 young and completely dumb, Really I think I did think I knew everything and everything would always work out. I don't believe that now. Now I know it is up to me to make sure that it works out and it has been a hard long road of learning and loving and failures and things I have completely gotten wrong....But sometimes it was fun and then sometimes it was just plain ridiculous that I would even think that would work.... Starting with my first marriage. I loved him he loved me but we were completely toxic to one another. Completely TOXIC. Some thing about us now, still toxic just smaller doses of one another and we can manage that. I think it is because I was raised by a strong willed mother and he thinks he should always be right...Still thinks that to this day... Always made me feel inferior...and well my parents put me up on a pedestal and made me think I was the queen...
I remember 18 just like it was yesterday screwing around missing school or really skipping school with my friends and playing just like I wanted. I miss those days and I miss those friends. Somewhere along the way I lost them and lost really who I was as a person. Funny thing, I don't think I resemble that girl one bit, and I am OK with that. I struggle wondering if I made the right choice but I love my babies and I wouldn't change it for anything. I am OK with me and that is what really is important. Learning to improve and improving through learning. That is my goal. Not to be the most important person I know or making the most money. Just making me the best and having fun along the way. I don't want a high pressure job anymore. I wanna fish, camp or just go on a walk and just smile.
Having babies at such a young age finding someone who will love you and really let you be you, All learning experiences! I had man friends here and there and always such a magnet to such creepy assholes that really were just in between and thought I might just be good idea I don't know, I hate to think of myself as such a person. And then there is my Chad... Good time Charlie. He says he wasn't looking for a wife or anything of the such but boy o boy he sure has stuck around alot longer than the rest. I know he's funny and loves to see me laugh. That is my biggest attraction to him and keeps us happy. But he is driving me crazy with the video games. Gets home... First thing is to see who is online to play, then gets himself ready for a night of screaming and yelling and playing with his friends while the children and I sit in the bedroom or at the computer to fill our time. There is no family time unless we "all go fishing" we hate to tell ya Charlie but the children hate fishing and I am hating him for that being the only activity there is for us to do as a family. He has become self centered and I need to find a way to remove that from our life because the rest of us are suffering. Well enough crapping on everyone but here we are at Who you'd be today
IT JUST ISN'T FAIR SOMETIMES!
THINGS THAT HAPPEN, HAPPEN FOR A REASON!
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