Sunday

As I am not fully awake today, I feel irritated. ALL the children have been gone for the weekend. And what a waste it was. I didn't get anything accomplished but watching TV surfing the web and about an hour of fishing. I have learned something though. We are not the same as we were 10 years ago. It saddens me! We would of taken advantage of the weekend like no other. But here we are going to bed before 10 getting up at sunrise. Loosing the little bit of passion in life we had. It makes me angry when I try to do something special and I get no response. Just so involved in the TV, my words can't be heard! I don't want to be a pity party and I want to figure out how to get out of this mess. I got here and I don't really know how I did but here it is and I am lost. My heart is telling me to hang on but how? Lots of thoughts, Maybe I will pray about it!

Epiphany-Staind

The Weight loss challenge

My husband has decided to stress himself to loose weight, In the beginning I didn't mind he had packed on a few... More like 50 but I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. Let him be in control of his own body. I didn't want to say Hey fat ass you are going to die! Even though I could sometime. I guess I just have never had someone that really gets me frustrated as much as him! GRRR.... Well he has lost 14 lbs. I have lost 16! Not by changing what we are doing, but by moving around more! We had became slow lazy sloths. I think it was from all the weight gain. I am very proud of him but I know he will gain it back if he doesn't try harder in the winter. He loves the turkey dressing broccoli casserole and such. He just can't get enough of the holiday goodies that he founders!
On another note, I read my friends blog again. And yes it was heavy! I think we all need to look back and grab that heaviness and get ahold of it before one day when you are not looking and it slaps you in the face. I guess that really doesn't make much sense to anyone but me but that is how it is.
I am enjoying my sisters visit. I forget about who I am till I get really good doses of her! I am very proud of her, She is trying so hard to be good and watch her diabetes. I love her and it just about kills me to watch her killing herself daily or hearing about it daily! She seems to take some of the stress away but I don't want her taking it on. No need for that. I am a natural worrier. I worry for everyone and anything. I hate it if everything is not going my way I suppose.
The stinkin hot weather is starting to have lasting effects on my brain as I thought today was Wednesday... If the kids can behave I am thinking about taking them to the pool and letting them cool off in the wonderful clear water... I hate the lake!

Puppies, Butterflies and (what ever you wanna insert)

The thoughts of the day include:
None! I have been having random thoughts and none really make sense! Sounds like me really just really unexplainable for a Saturday. That is when I do my best thinking.
A friend from school writes a blog and I try to follow but after reading,  really I do now believe we have absolutely nothing in common. I find it hard to imagine having seven kids, let alone being pregnant all those times. I am way to selfish and get irritated when I have to equal out "MY" time with the children. Which I do! I love my children just glad I didn't add anymore to the herd and I don't really like any other children except for my own. I get irritated by others parenting style and obsessed with others who don't watch their children to a "t"! Perfect example, Went to my nieces wedding and it was set at a beautiful lake with lots of trees and nature. Perfect place to get married, except for the guests that she invited that just let their children run unsupervised. One child was 2 or 3 and the mother keep saying "oh I think he is with so and so" No idea where the child was at! just let it run, While I am sure the child had a great day exploring, I was a nervous wreak! I found myself watching this child from afar even though I had left my children with grandma and ex for a reason (to enjoy myself) and not to worry about my children's every move. I'm a freak, I can't help it! When it comes to my children I am obsessed. I know I have OCD and it is more noticeable when I have my children around. My Christopher tells me that he never gets to do anything fun because he knows his mother is worrying about him! Imagine that! They think I am a good time killer. Which I am . I just wish I could of gotten the carefree gene, but where would my children be this day? Whose to say there dumb ass dads wouldn't of dropped them on their heads when they were babies? I feel love and admiration for people with seven kids, I do.
 On another note:  I am not a democrat. I do not believe in "the right to choose" I don't believe in  "a woman choice" Not gonna work on me! If you don't want a kids, Don't have sex or better yet take the pill! All these beautiful babies being thrown away or killed by idiots. I cry almost everyday I read about some horrible tragic death by parents. I stopped reading the stories in the newspaper.
So I got completely off track! Imagine that!
So really it is fun to read her post and love the insight, just I know I would never be woman enough for such love. Scary thought but also very scary for me knowing that is how I see myself... Selfish!
Well school has started and well it has been rough already. Chloe stayed home on Friday with the flu. Yucky! She was up all night the night before vomiting and busy getting the rest of us nauseous. Just from looking by the way! The kids were all a little scared. Christopher mostly. Scared of high school, scared of growing up. Scared really to leave the safety net of his mother. I have done that maybe, but I know that he will find his way and love high school! Haley said her day was AWESOME! Don't know why, she never really did go into much except she loves band and really enjoyed meeting new people! Imagine that! And my precious Chloe started Kindergarten! God I do officially feel old! There was people there video taping their children entering the school building and taking interviews with the teachers! What a bunch of nut cases. I was just glad that nobody was really hurt in that experiment.Well it is off to bed for me tonight. I am exhausted and it's been a really long day!